Grass Routes — road stories from ACT Issue 15
Rear Vision
The complete ten-item column preserves ACT’s stories of life on the road, from show humour to Bob Jesse’s Cardwell pies. Events and commentary reflect the original 2018 reporting.
Original ACT Grass Routes column, Issue 15 (2018). No individual writer or image credit is identified in the retained column.
WHAT’S ON THE PILE?
This is a story from a truckie having a drink at the bar. He said he has a condition when he needs a crap, there ain’t no going back. One of the essentials in his cab is a roll of toilet paper. He has dipped into the bushes on the side of a highway on many occasions to do his business over the years.
On one occasion he simply had no choice, options were slim. Desperate he climbed on top of the first trailer of the tipper and dog combo, roll of paper in hand and squatted camp style, did the deed, wiped and came down feeling much relieved.
Thinking the evidence of a big steamer topped with TP would be buried in tonnes of material, our truckie mate was pretty smug.
As the materials were poured out of the trailer, there was a distinct adornment right at the top of the pile. Standing next to the receiver our truckie turned crimson as he tried in vain to explain the steamer on the pile. Needless to say, we are still laughing today!
WRONG POOL RETIRED
Truckies from several States, who had worked together some years ago, keep in touch but rarely got to see each other. Anyway one of them, a NSW septuagenarian, continually told his friends by email and phone that he had a magnificent swimming pool in his backyard. That made him the envy of the others who live in Victoria, South Australia, Western Australia and the Northern Territory. So they conspired to pay him a visit together but kept it secretive. Imagine his surprise when they fronted up unexpectedly at his home and asked to have a swim. Alas, there was no pool on his property. He was forced to reveal the truth.
He has taken pictures of a five star pool at a nearby resort and sent it to them just to take the piss. They saw the funny side of things and ended up getting permission to have a dip in the resort pool.
A BALLS UP
Several Tasmanian drivers who work for the same company got a surprise over the break when they received rather unusual gifts. These were bottle openers attached to stuffed kangaroo testicles. Such souvenirs can be purchased at tourist shops around the country but the mystery was who sent them as the packages that had arrived had no return address on them. Anyway the opener and balls didn’t make the drivers “hopping mad”. In fact the gifts have come in very handy as both lads enjoy a drink or 10 beers in bottles which require such an opener.
DON’T LEAVE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH IN THE SHOWER
Sharing showers is a common practice in the trucking fraternity. Word to the wise, never leave your toothbrush in the shower unattended.
A truckie relayed a recent incident where a disgruntled ex-girlfriend of one of his mates took offence to one of her bosses at work. They were heading off to an exhibition and the boss was a bit of a bitch. Seeing the toothbrush in the shower, the mate’s ex said she couldn’t resist the urge to do a bit of ring cleaning. Take this on board, if you leave your toothbrush unattended you may end up with a nickname like “Shit Lips”.
DEMENTIA DILEMMA
Since the founder of a family trucking business in Victoria was diagnosed with dementia there have been plenty of difficult times for loving relatives. But there have also been some positives which have come out of a situation that they have no control over. The octogenarian started the business back in the early sixties and played an active part in its operation until last year. He moved to a home for the aged and is visited regularly by family members. “He regularly tells us that a kangaroo is taking his money which is a result of the dementia,” one told me. The delightful old-timer was taken to the property on which he lived for decades at Christmas. “Dad wanted to know where he was,” his relative said. But when Grass Routes asked him how the family handled the situation he quickly replied. “Every day at work around the office, and dealing with the trucks we all just think that he is still here and that gets us through,” he said.
NOT ANTS IN THE PANTS
In mid January a truckie arrived home from weeks away and was looking forward to a good sleep out of his sleeper box. He got the shock of his life when he turned the air conditioner on. Hundreds of ants and their eggs had invaded his AC after rain and they came flying out and ended up all over his face and body and on the bed he had been longing to sleep in. So with the aid of his wife they cleaned up the mess and sprayed repellent into the AC which in the short term didn’t work. In desperation he turned to Mr Google and ended up finding a post with five ways to rid the insects from his AC. His solution to spray was one thing you don’t do and the next day he checked on the cost of an AC company to expel the ants. Because it was an old box AC it was cheaper to purchase a new one and have it installed.
NAKED TRUTH
Bart Rolfe was driving through the central Queensland town of Rockhampton around midnight and couldn’t believe his eyes. “I saw this naked bloke running up a busy street,” he said. Seems the culprit had a few too many amber fluids which resulted in his courage increasing. Although, no reports came to hand of any charges by police. Grass Routes hopes it was just a larrikin on a dare.
SNAPPING PICTURES
Some of our truckie mates are into photography and carry quality cameras with them on their travels around the highways and byways. Nowadays though, just about everyone has a mobile phone on which they can snap high quality images. Several interstate truckies have found a great place from which to shoot action shots of trucks cruising past. The drivers from Victoria and Western Australia were near Tully in the far north when they stopped at a rest area called Digger’s Creek. It is well below the level of the Bruce Highway and located there is a van which sells coffee and food. From a seat at the rest area they were both able to take great pictures of trucks of which there was no shortage.
CAN’T GET DONE FOR THIS
How many truckies have been done for trivial breaches? A mate of ours was 2cm over width recently carrying a machine on the back of a low loader. He reckons the enforcement officer didn’t even use the measuring tape properly, with a big wide bow in the tape as he measured. Our mate made the bold decision to take on the law. The judge ruled it was a waste of court time. Our mate got off but wasted his time, lost wages and still had to pay for a lawyer. That just doesn’t seem fair does it?
DOG’S EYES WITH DEAD HORSE
Popular for the past 28 years Bob Jesse has served up his homemade pies to truckies from every Australian state and territory. Meat pies are as Australian as it gets and nearly every truckie loves what are known as “a dog’s eye with dead horse (tomato sauce)”. Aged 57, Bob sells his delights from a yellow vehicle beside the Bruce Highway at seaside Cardwell in north Queensland. During that time Bob has been forced to move locations numerous times after tropical cyclones and for other reasons. “The strangest thing that happened to me was when I was parked across the road from some houses and one of the occupants made a complaint that fumes from trucks which stopped aggravated an asthma condition. So local Council told me to move,” he said when Grass Routes visited him on January 4. In early 2011 when Cyclone Yasi damaged the foreshore and the Bruce Highway which is also the main street through Cardwell, again he had to move. These days Bob is located at a park and rest area at the northern entrance of Cardwell. Only trouble is there is no parking for trucks other than light rigs. “There is no parking for anything other than light trucks where I am now,” he said. Although some truckies park up the road and walk back to enjoy one of Bob’s pastries. Bob makes his pies on a property at Meunga Creek north of Cardwell and is certain the business will stay in the family for the next 100 years. “My eight month old niece Ruby Bamber will take over one day,” he said. Bob also warns people who want to have a swim about dangers of sharks, crocs and marine stingers in the briny. A large croc had been seen by a woman lurking around the nearby Cardwell jetty and it was pictured eating a dead fish. “People want to swim here all the time,” he said.
Rear Vision: where are they now?
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